The four hour press

I’m sitting in row 10 on a US___ flight from Dallas.  My intestines are jammed up like coffee grounds in a French press.  If I keep my legs jammed into this seat in front of me, I’ll get gangrene and they will need to cut off my legs to save my life 36,000 feet over the Midwest!  What a mess!

Today I became a frequent driver again.  I will drive 20 hours before considering the commercial airlines again.  The lady in front of me just reclined and I can’t get back in my seat after being told by the flight attendant that I can’t stand up in back during the flight.  She did say I could stand near the bulkhead…..but I figured he probably needed more room too.

The sign as you look into first class should read “humans” and all the seats behind should be called steerage!  Perhaps if we were gassed and loaded into the plane unconscious, more people could fit and be happy with the airlines again! The baggage area at airport could be used for recovery just like the quiet room after surgery or having a tooth extracted.  I can just see the smiling, passed out, lumps of humanity coming up the baggage belt and falling against the circulating padded rail while family members wait for their loved ones.  Be careful, check your claim ticket!  Many humans look alike!

To make things even worse, three crew members are sitting comfortably in the first class seats that I tried to upgrade to.  It gets better!  A friggin five foot, ten inch pilot just got out of one of those seats and he standing up to stretch!  I had ones of those classy, modern seats on my way out.  Interesting that even in first class, the person who probably paid full price in front of me could not recline her seat because of my legs behind her.

I am not a huge dude.  I used to fit in planes, a little tight but doable.  Now, the road is my friend again.  The funny thing is……this is not the fault of a more efficient embrair…..this is a decision by USAir accountants, engineers and senior management to no longer serve people over six feet.

Good bye US___!  Good luck and please take good care of the average size people well.  You know, I was thinking?  If you took out the bathrooms and the seats for the flight attendants, you could make another five hundred dollars a flight.  We can just pee in the airbags.

By the way. I’m a pilot and I fit in a little Piper Archer from 1976.  God I wish it could do 600 knots!  I had to type this on my phone with my feet in the aisle. ….couldn’t get the tray table down or open my laptop far enough to see the screen.

Peace and see you on the road!